Turning Inwards

This insane urge to pen things down has been inside me for awhile. I keep thinking I should be doing it and then I don't. I've bottled myself up. I don't feel like myself. I cannot raise my voice to voice an opinion and I'm wondering what the fuck is wrong with me? I've turned inwards. I speak out loud as I write this - can you hear me? Can I hear myself?

I'm at such a loss.

I think I know what the fuck is wrong with me and then I find the courage to go on and then I'm back to being a shadow of the person I used to know as myself. I can't talk. I'm so paranoid. I'm angry. I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at myself for being so hard on myself and yet I can't stop. I'm angry that I have lost my voice. I'm angry.

I'm pissed at how I cannot talk to anyone anymore. This instagram life sucks. Not that my instagram is great but I mean this need to show everything is okay has left me at a loss of friends. I don't have any friends. I doubt their intentions. I cannot seem to trust anyone.

Not even my partner.

I cannot trust him. I constantly keep judging him. I'm hard on myself and I'm hard on him. He's the closest to me yet I fail to connect with him.

On paper I have a great life. Yet I'm so unhappy.

I do not feel wanted or needed and I think my partner is bullshitting me. I doubt his intentions. I think he's the most selfish person I know. I do not think he loves me. I think he's just used to having me around.

I've said this before and I keep thinking that he's gonna bail. My life circles around him and I don't know what I want. Such a shame. Even as I write this, I cannot believe how desperate and needy I have become. I've become those women I used to mock. Where's my spine? Where's my better judgement?

I seriously do not think he's in for the long haul and for how long do I need to wait to see if I'm right or not. Am I going to keep my life on hold forever? I'm stuck in a quicksand. I think I'm sinking cuz my mind won't sit quiet and I'm on a self loathing spree.

It's so easy when people say you're going to be fine you just have to believe it. I know. But when do I get there? Seems like I've been waiting for it to happen for years now. Except for sporadic glimpses of bliss, when will I ever be happy? When will I stop being so hard on myself? When am I going to do what I want? Hah! When am I going to figure out what the fuck do I want?!

So many questions and I struggle to get the answers.

Here I sit in this beautiful house that I share with my partner and I'm wondering when will he just pack up and leave. I have no confidence in this relationship. It's like I wish I could go back in time and just take a year off to just be by myself instead of constantly being in meaningless relationships year after year after year. If I could only sit still and discover myself. Who am I? What do I want? I used to know myself but as time goes on, I don't anymore. I stubbornly hold parts of me, like a dying man holding on to his last breath. Not sure if the metaphor is right but you know.. I cannot listen to my mind anymore. I'm so scared of closing my eyes and just *being*. I physically feel like I will trip or that someone will hit me when I let go. Just the thought brought tears to my eyes.

I'm not in control of pretty much anything in my life. The least I can do is keep my eyes open until it's not physically possible to do so anymore. Constantly vigilant. Who is going to hurt me next? How am I going to be disappointed next.

This is no way to live my life. 

A Battle With Two Old Foes - Depression & Anxiety

I almost didn't wake up today. I couldn't get out of bed. I had no energy to do so. More importantly, I had no desire.

I couldn't stay in bed any longer. I tossed. I turned. I tried. And so I forced myself to get out of bed. I had no energy to function. I knew I had to eat something. I skipped dinner last night. I have work in a few hours. I got shit to do. But I had no desire.

So I tried to get started. I had mental list of menial things to do. To be a functional adult. Chores I had to get out of the way. Some I filed away in my head for later. Some I had to do now. Everything that needed to be done - with no desire.

As I went ahead trying to fix myself something to eat, even the basic tasks of chopping onions and tomatoes became overwhelming. The voices in my head were getting louder. Louder and louder. My physical strength seemed to be failing me. But I endured. The breakfast was made. I even made myself a cup of chai. But the voices in my head were so loud, I could hear nothing else. And I felt strength - mental and physical seep out of me.

And there it was. That void. That feeling. Almost like an old friend, I recognized it. But unlike an old friend, I wasn't happy to see it. That deep dark abyss. That feeling that takes over. I could see it so clearly - I could see nothing else. I let it take over me. And I fell in a spiral. Down and further I went. Feeling dizzy as the darkness that emanated from my heart, engulfed me.

Hello there, depression. And is that you, anxiety? Been awhile. Never thought I'd see you again. Guess I was only fooling myself.

I forced myself to eat. Then to drink my chai. I forced myself to fight.

You see, I recognize these two visitors like relatives who you dread seeing as a child. Only they suck my happiness and will to live. These two freeloaders want to stay and take everything they can from me. Mooch whatever they can from me as they grow and I wither away into a shell of a person. They loot my sense of worth and self confidence. They rape my self esteem. All they give me is a huge cold dark heart which resembles a solitary confinement. I live in it on the inside. On the outside my life looks perfect. But in my head, I'm lonely, naked and cold. And afraid.

I cannot let them stay here. I have to fight this. So I turn to the internet. Give me hope, I say. Give me strength. Help me recover my strength. I come across this video which is like a flicker of light in that big cold dark room. I drink every word of it like a thirsty traveller who relishes on every single last drop of water in the desert. I absorb it. I listen and feel warmth where I felt none. I feel my inner strength getting stronger and stronger until it's strong enough to pull the wet blanket of anxiety and depression away from my heart.

I watch another and it seems to be helping. Is my desire to live returning and grabbing on to this flicker of hope? Yes. So I pull myself out of this cold dark abyss. I gather my physical strength and start on my list of mental chores. I shower. When I woke up this morning, I thought I could do nothing. Yet, I push myself to do one thing and then another. I try not to overwhelm myself. I just take on one thing at a time. I push myself out of the abyss.

I write this as I'm standing on top the well. I'm out now. But a memory of that cold sense of what had been still remains in my chest. I can almost physically feel it. That soreness.

I'm no sore loser. Not in life. So I will endure. For now I've overcome depression and anxiety. A small win. For now.

I have battled, endured and come out with scars on the inside. Outside I smell like Bed Bath and Beyond. No one knows what I have been thru. And so I created this blog. To put my little victory out there. That I endured. Another day. Another win.