I almost didn't wake up today. I couldn't get out of bed. I had no energy to do so. More importantly, I had no desire.
I couldn't stay in bed any longer. I tossed. I turned. I tried. And so I forced myself to get out of bed. I had no energy to function. I knew I had to eat something. I skipped dinner last night. I have work in a few hours. I got shit to do. But I had no desire.
So I tried to get started. I had mental list of menial things to do. To be a functional adult. Chores I had to get out of the way. Some I filed away in my head for later. Some I had to do now. Everything that needed to be done - with no desire.
As I went ahead trying to fix myself something to eat, even the basic tasks of chopping onions and tomatoes became overwhelming. The voices in my head were getting louder. Louder and louder. My physical strength seemed to be failing me. But I endured. The breakfast was made. I even made myself a cup of chai. But the voices in my head were so loud, I could hear nothing else. And I felt strength - mental and physical seep out of me.
And there it was. That void. That feeling. Almost like an old friend, I recognized it. But unlike an old friend, I wasn't happy to see it. That deep dark abyss. That feeling that takes over. I could see it so clearly - I could see nothing else. I let it take over me. And I fell in a spiral. Down and further I went. Feeling dizzy as the darkness that emanated from my heart, engulfed me.
Hello there, depression. And is that you, anxiety? Been awhile. Never thought I'd see you again. Guess I was only fooling myself.
I forced myself to eat. Then to drink my chai. I forced myself to fight.
You see, I recognize these two visitors like relatives who you dread seeing as a child. Only they suck my happiness and will to live. These two freeloaders want to stay and take everything they can from me. Mooch whatever they can from me as they grow and I wither away into a shell of a person. They loot my sense of worth and self confidence. They rape my self esteem. All they give me is a huge cold dark heart which resembles a solitary confinement. I live in it on the inside. On the outside my life looks perfect. But in my head, I'm lonely, naked and cold. And afraid.
I cannot let them stay here. I have to fight this. So I turn to the internet. Give me hope, I say. Give me strength. Help me recover my strength. I come across this video which is like a flicker of light in that big cold dark room. I drink every word of it like a thirsty traveller who relishes on every single last drop of water in the desert. I absorb it. I listen and feel warmth where I felt none. I feel my inner strength getting stronger and stronger until it's strong enough to pull the wet blanket of anxiety and depression away from my heart.
I watch another and it seems to be helping. Is my desire to live returning and grabbing on to this flicker of hope? Yes. So I pull myself out of this cold dark abyss. I gather my physical strength and start on my list of mental chores. I shower. When I woke up this morning, I thought I could do nothing. Yet, I push myself to do one thing and then another. I try not to overwhelm myself. I just take on one thing at a time. I push myself out of the abyss.
I write this as I'm standing on top the well. I'm out now. But a memory of that cold sense of what had been still remains in my chest. I can almost physically feel it. That soreness.
I'm no sore loser. Not in life. So I will endure. For now I've overcome depression and anxiety. A small win. For now.
I have battled, endured and come out with scars on the inside. Outside I smell like Bed Bath and Beyond. No one knows what I have been thru. And so I created this blog. To put my little victory out there. That I endured. Another day. Another win.
I couldn't stay in bed any longer. I tossed. I turned. I tried. And so I forced myself to get out of bed. I had no energy to function. I knew I had to eat something. I skipped dinner last night. I have work in a few hours. I got shit to do. But I had no desire.
So I tried to get started. I had mental list of menial things to do. To be a functional adult. Chores I had to get out of the way. Some I filed away in my head for later. Some I had to do now. Everything that needed to be done - with no desire.
As I went ahead trying to fix myself something to eat, even the basic tasks of chopping onions and tomatoes became overwhelming. The voices in my head were getting louder. Louder and louder. My physical strength seemed to be failing me. But I endured. The breakfast was made. I even made myself a cup of chai. But the voices in my head were so loud, I could hear nothing else. And I felt strength - mental and physical seep out of me.
And there it was. That void. That feeling. Almost like an old friend, I recognized it. But unlike an old friend, I wasn't happy to see it. That deep dark abyss. That feeling that takes over. I could see it so clearly - I could see nothing else. I let it take over me. And I fell in a spiral. Down and further I went. Feeling dizzy as the darkness that emanated from my heart, engulfed me.
Hello there, depression. And is that you, anxiety? Been awhile. Never thought I'd see you again. Guess I was only fooling myself.
I forced myself to eat. Then to drink my chai. I forced myself to fight.
You see, I recognize these two visitors like relatives who you dread seeing as a child. Only they suck my happiness and will to live. These two freeloaders want to stay and take everything they can from me. Mooch whatever they can from me as they grow and I wither away into a shell of a person. They loot my sense of worth and self confidence. They rape my self esteem. All they give me is a huge cold dark heart which resembles a solitary confinement. I live in it on the inside. On the outside my life looks perfect. But in my head, I'm lonely, naked and cold. And afraid.
I cannot let them stay here. I have to fight this. So I turn to the internet. Give me hope, I say. Give me strength. Help me recover my strength. I come across this video which is like a flicker of light in that big cold dark room. I drink every word of it like a thirsty traveller who relishes on every single last drop of water in the desert. I absorb it. I listen and feel warmth where I felt none. I feel my inner strength getting stronger and stronger until it's strong enough to pull the wet blanket of anxiety and depression away from my heart.
I watch another and it seems to be helping. Is my desire to live returning and grabbing on to this flicker of hope? Yes. So I pull myself out of this cold dark abyss. I gather my physical strength and start on my list of mental chores. I shower. When I woke up this morning, I thought I could do nothing. Yet, I push myself to do one thing and then another. I try not to overwhelm myself. I just take on one thing at a time. I push myself out of the abyss.
I write this as I'm standing on top the well. I'm out now. But a memory of that cold sense of what had been still remains in my chest. I can almost physically feel it. That soreness.
I'm no sore loser. Not in life. So I will endure. For now I've overcome depression and anxiety. A small win. For now.
I have battled, endured and come out with scars on the inside. Outside I smell like Bed Bath and Beyond. No one knows what I have been thru. And so I created this blog. To put my little victory out there. That I endured. Another day. Another win.
